School Fitba' Rules

[Jockey]

A fellow poster from my football team fanzine wrote this and gave me permission to post it here. Could be used in the Observer?

SCHOOL FOOTBALL

Matches shall be played over three unequal periods: two playtimes and
lunchtime.

Each of these periods shall begin shortly after the ringing of a
bell, and although a bell is also rung towards the end of these
periods,
play may continue for up to ten minutes afterwards, depending on the
"bottle" of the participants.

There is a sliding scale from those who hasten to stand in line as soon
as the bell rings, known as "poofs", through those who will hang on
until the time they estimate it takes the teachers to down the last of
their G & T's and journey from the staff room, known as "chancers", and
finally to those who will hang on until a teacher actually has to
physically retrieve them, known as "nutters".

It is important, in picking the sides, to achieve a fair balance of
poofs, chancers and nutters in order that the scoreline achieved over a
sustained period of play is not totally nullified by a five-minute
post-bell onslaught of five nutters against one.

The scoreline to be carried over from the previous period of the match
is in the trust of the last nutters to leave the field of play.


PARAMETERS


The object is to force the ball between two large, unkempt piles of
jackets, in lieu of goalposts. These piles may grow or shrink
throughout the match, depending on the number of participants and the
prevailing weather.

It is important that the sleeve of one of the jackets should jut out
across the goal mouth, as it will often be claimed that the ball went
"over the post" and is thus disallowed.

In the absence of a crossbar, the upper limit of the target area is
observed
as being slightly above head height, regardless of the height
of the keeper.

The width of the pitch is variable. In the absence of roads, water
hazards etc, the width is determined by how far out the attacking
winger has to go before the pursuing defender gives up.

At free kicks, the scale of the pitch justifies placing a wall of
players eighteen inches from the ball. It is the formal response to
"yards", which the kick-taker will incant meaninglessly as he places
the ball.


TACTICS

Playground football tactics are best explained in terms of team
formation. Whereas senior sides tend to choose - according to
circumstance - from e.g. 4-4-2, 4-3-3, 5-3-2, the playground side is
usually
ore rigid in sticking to the all-purpose 1-1-17 formation.


STOPPAGES

Much stoppage time in the senior game is down to injured players
requiring treatment on the field of play. The playground game flows
more freely, with play continuing around or even on top of a
participant who has fallen - or more likely been pushed - over.


Other stoppages :

1. Ball on school roof or over school wall. The retrieval time itself
is negligible in these cases. The stoppage is most prolonged by the
argument to decide which player must risk life, limb or four of the
belt to scale the drainpipe or negotiate the barbed wire in order to
return to play. Disputes usually arise between the player who actually
struck ball and any others he claims it may have struck before is
appearing into forbidden territory.

2. Bigger boys steal the ball. The intruders will seldom actually steal
The ball, but will improvise their own kickabout amongst themselves,
occasionally inviting the younger players to attempt to tackle them.
Standing around looking bored and unimpressed usually results in a
quick restart.

3. Menopausal old bag confiscates ball. More of a threat in the street
or local green kickabout than within the school walls. Sad,
blue-rinsed, ill-tempered, Tory-voting cat-owner transfers her anger
about the array of failures that has been her life to nine-year-olds
who have committed the heinous crime of letting their ball cross her
privet Line of Death. Interruption (loss of ball) is predicted to last
"until you learn how to play with it properly".


CELEBRATION

Goal-scorers are entitled to a maximum run of thirty yards with their
hands in the air. But making it 34-12 does not entitle the player to
drop to his knees and make the sign of the cross.

A fabulous solo dismantling of the defence or 25-yard rocket (actually
eight yards), but calculated as relative distance because "it's not a
full-size pitch" will elicit applause and back-pats from the entire
team and the more magnanimous of the opponents.

However, a tap-in in the midst of a chaotic scramble will be heralded
with the epithet "****ing poacher" from the opposing defence.
"****ing goal-hanger" is the preferred alternative.

Applying an unnecessary final touch when a ball is already rolling into
the goal will elicit a burst nose from the original striker.



Kneeling down to head the ball over the line when defence and keeper
are already beaten will elicit a thoroughly deserved kicking.

PENALTIES

At senior level, each side often has one appointed penalty-taker, who
will defer to a team-mate in special circumstances, such as his
requiring one more for a hat trick.

In the playground the best player usually takes the penalties but he
may defer to the 'best fighter' or if the side is comfortably in front,
the ball-owner may be invited to take a penalty.

Goalkeepers are often the subject of temporary substitutions at
penalties.

CLOSE SEASON

This is known also as the Summer Holidays, when the players dabble
briefly in other sports: tennis for a fortnight while Wimbledon is on
the telly; pitch-and-putt for four days during the Open; and cricket
for about an hour and a half until they reckon it really is as boring
playing as it is to watch

[chelsea]

Glad to the the playground game is played on a national basis, and must admit the close season is about spot on

[tonychang]

The article was originally written by one of my favourite authors, the brilliant 'Christopher Brookmyre'.
I recommend all of his books which I have seen on sale in HH in the past if you enjoyed jockeys post, and dont worry if youre not into footie as books arent football related just very funny.
For a taster of his writing have a look here:
http://www.brookmyre.co.uk/bampot.htm
cheers
tc