Not very funny

[Jaime]

[Mart]

This joke, by Spike Milligan was, according to a psychology professor to be the funniest joke ever!?? http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/5064020.stm

Two hunters are out in the woods in New Jersey when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.

The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps 'My friend is dead! What can I do?' The operator says: 'Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.' There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says 'OK, now what?'

Mart

[santa]

Why did the spiritualist cross the road?

To get to the "other side"
_________________
santabanjo

[Harry]

The world's funniest joke - It's Official

[Jockey]

which is the odd one out?


1. Toaster
2. Washing Machine
3. Dish Washer
4. Woman





Answer.....1. Toaster,Its the only one that dosent drip when its #!

[Harry]

4. Woman, becasue everything else would break within 6 months of purchasing it in the LoS.

[Big Boy]

Breaking News!


Singer Sophie Ellis Bextor has been found head-butted to death in a French footballers apartment.


Police think it’s murder on Zidane’s floor!!
_________________
Green Army position 7=
Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Blackpool
Who said, "I've dumped PAFC for Eutopia at Liecester?"
Ian Holloway (job seeker extrordanair)

[Jockey]

A pastor wanted to raise money for his church and, on being told there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to buy one and enter it in the races.

However, at the local auction, the going price for a horse was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He thought that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the race and, much to his surprise, the donkey came in third. The next day the local paper carried this headline:

PASTOR'S ASS SHOWS

The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The local paper read:

PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local paper headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for ten dollars. The next day, the paper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. Headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE

The Bishop was buried the next day.

[Toni]

Two bags of sick walking down the road, 1st bag of sick starts crying.
2nd bag of sick - "What's wrong?"
1st bag of sick - "I was brought up here."

[Toni]

A brain goes into a bar.
"Pint please barman."
Barman says "I'm not serving you, you're out of your head!"

[Edd Case]

Hear about the constipated mathematician - he worked it out with a pencil!
_________________
"The older I get ....the better I remember I was."

[Jockey]

This equation should be taught in all math classes!


From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%



and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While HardWork and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there! , it's the BULLSHIT and Ass kissing! that will put you over the top.

[Jockey]

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blonde woman from Essex arrived and bet twenty-thousand pounds (20,000) on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless."

With that, she stripped to th e waist; rolled the dice; and yelled, "Come on, baby.... Essex Girl needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up-and-down... and squealed...

"YES! YES! I WON! I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers... and then picked up her winnings and her clothes, and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know... I thought you were watching."


Moral ---


Not all Essex girls are stupid.

Not all blondes are dumb.

But, all men.....are men

[Jockey]

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man.

He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

Oh my, I am so sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you, " she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.

They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! ! Everything had been SO incredible! !! !

"You know, " he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? "

"No, " she replies. . . . "





"You just happened to catch my eye."

[Jockey]

Come on guy's n' gal's. It's Friday and time for a wee laugh. Let's hear your latest joke:

Try to stay calm when you read this - and maybe ask someone to accompany you home.

This story happened about a year or two ago near Aughrim Co. Galway Ireland), and even though it may sound like something out of the X Files or from Alfred Hitchcock Presents... its real!

This guy drives from Ballinasloe to Kilreekill (Ireland) and decides not to take the new A road, as he wants to see the scenery.
The inevitable happens and when he reaches the outskirts his car breaks down - he's stranded miles from anywhere.
Having no choice he starts walking on the side of the road, hoping to get a lift to the nearest human habitation. It's dark and raining and pretty soon he's wet and shivering
The night rolls on and no car goes by, the rains are so strong he can barely see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly in the distance he sees the headlights of a car coming towards him and it slows and then stops next to him - without thinking the guy opens the car's door and jumps in.
Seated in the back, he leans forward to thank the person who had saved him when he realises there is nobody behind the wheel!!! Even though there's no one in the front seat and no sound of any engine, the car starts moving slowly.
The guy looks at the road ahead and sees a curve coming (remember, this is in the hills and there is a steep, steep drop beyond the curve).
Scared almost to death he starts to pray, begging the Lord for his life.
He hasn't come out of shock, when just before he hits the curve, a hand appears through the window and moves the wheel! The car makes the curve safely and continues on the road to the next bend.
The guy, now paralysed in terror, watches how the hand appears every time they are before a curve and moves the steering wheel just enough to get the car around each bend. Finally, the guy sees lights ahead.
Gathering his courage he wrenches open the door of the silent, slowly moving car, scrambles out and runs as hard and fast as he can towards the lights.
It's a small town. Wet and in shock goes to a roadside bar, which is open, and asks for a drink. They find some Whisky and give him a shot.
And he starts telling whoever will listen about the horrible experience he's just been through.
A silence envelops everybody when they realize the guy isn't drunk, and is really frightened - he's crying and shaking.
So they give him more booze and talk about what they should do, whether to call the police or find a priest, or what.But just then two strangers walked into the bar. And one says to the other,

"Look, that's the #ing eejit that got in the car when we were pushing it."