Motherhood - getting the balance right?

[DawnHRD]

I have a 5 year old Thai son (not biologically mine, but has lived with me for 3 years) As I'm not his natural mother, I'm often worried about whether I'm doing the right thing. I tend to go by instinct and my experiences, but I'm not sure that I'm getting the balance right, particularly when I see how many other parents are with their children (Thai & Western).
For instance, the other day we were eating at a Thai restaurant. I let him play with some other children in the area, but as soon as I lost sight of him, I started to worry. I went to find him, he wasn't far away, playing with a larger group of children being watched on & off by the staff of another restaurant. I told him that he had to come back & play within my view, which lost him the companionship of the others, as they didn't want to move. Was that too Western/paranoid? The parents of the other kids (all Thai) had no problem with their kids being out of their sights.
I also tend to be slightly stricter than some parents I see, correcting his manners & trying to stop him annoying people. He's actually a very well-behaved little boy, so is rarely told off, but I worry I'm stifling him.
I'd be grateful for the input of any other Mums (or Dads) to help me get the balance right for him & I
_________________
"The question is not, can they reason? Nor, can they talk? But, can they suffer?" - Jeremy Bentham, philosopher, 1748-1832

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[Terry]

Dawn

I've met your little fella as you know.

I see him as a well behaved generally polite little lad who seems to be doing fine - and frankly I don't think you are stifling him at all.

Mrs.T & I have always taught our two boys to be well mannered and reasonably disciplined - one mustn't forget that they are boys and still like to 'flex' themselves. So the rules are simple - don't let them do anything that's going to upset you - because they could be doing it to someone else and cause a problem.

The eldest at 8 is doing fine and the youngest at 5 is getting better at it!

As for keeping them within eyesight - it's certainly what we do.
The world is full of weirdos these days so in that sense you cannot be too careful.

Keep up the good work and stop worrying eh
_________________
Terry Theobald
Hua Hin Fishing Lodge
Tel:- 081-927-1271 (Eng / Thai)
089-837-4079 (Eng)

Come on over - you might get hooked.

www.huahinfishing.com
www.huahinfishingtours.com

[Norseman]

[prcscct]

I've got some experience with this, Dawn. When I was in similar shoes, I found myself trying to raise a Thai boy as a farang, you can't do that if the boy is to live and thrive here for his lifetime. I realized that some months into the challenge and did an abrupt about face.

It is a huge headache as some of the 'farang' mentality would serve him well but...how much...at what age best instilled....when will he benefit from it? It's a mine field trying to decide how and when to do it. Just to use Jaime as an example, he's raising a Thai boy or two but not here. His approach is and should be completely different than your's or mine here, especially if the boys will make a foreign country their life home.

In the example you gave, I would say if Thai parents are comfortable with their kids 'roaming' a bit, I would be also. Thailand is not known for kidnappings and the mess we see with kids in the West. Those Thai parents however wouldn't allow it in Klong Tuey, but they probably would in HH. Take your lead from what you see.

From the discipline angle you have to give some but, make sure it's not you being overly sensitive concerning how other people may perceive you in your role as a farang Mother of a Thai boy. I found myself doing that...wanting to make extra sure and perfect that I set a good example and that 'my boy' wasn't going to reflect badly on himself or upon me when we/he was out and about. Again, way into the challenge I discovered I was thinking about me more than him. I had the reins way too tight.

I failed miserably and had to give up. He was 9 when I got the responsibility and perhaps partly due to my age and his age at the time, we just couldn't gel. He's now back with his Father's side of the family and thriving as a 'Thai'. You have an advantage as you have your boy from a very young age.

Good thread and hope to see insights from others. Pete

[prcscct]

[Terry]

Pete

Can understand what you mean - but where I come from there is no excuse for screaming and shouting in a place where one is supposed to be quiet - running riot and out of control in supermarkets - not saying thank you when required - asking politely for something when needed - showing respect for others and just having plain good manners.

My kids were born here and are Thai Citizens. My wife is Thai and I'm English and we intend to stay here in Hua Hin as our home.

My boys have many Thai kids as friends as well as farang kids and as far as I can see have no problem in relating to any of them. They also have their moments of being 'just boys' and I do not feel that we are in any way harsh on them

Thai culture teaches respect for others and the elder family members so I really do not see any difference here.

Like you - I'm not preaching - just saying what I believe and it seems to work for our little family.
_________________
Terry Theobald
Hua Hin Fishing Lodge
Tel:- 081-927-1271 (Eng / Thai)
089-837-4079 (Eng)

Come on over - you might get hooked.

www.huahinfishing.com
www.huahinfishingtours.com

[lomuamart]

My wife and I have no children. We've spoken about it, but we're not ready yet.
Great friends of mine, an English chap and his Thai wife, have just left HH. They have two daughters aged 5 and 2 (or something like that). They let them play on the beach, around the restaurants in the night market and generally.
"Uncle" Lomu was always trying to watch over them.
When we were back in the UK a month ago, we stayed with friends who have two boys - 8 and 7 years old.
In both instances, the father was "working hard". I suppose they don't have much time with their kids.
Brilliant. The past month or so has made me realise what the two of us are missing.
The kids were never let out of sight, but it must be good for the parents to relax a bit and let "Auntie and Uncle" take some of the responsibility.
Hope that makes sense from someone who dosn't have children.
_________________
"I spent a lot of my money on booze, birds and fast cars - the rest I just squandered". George Best.

[buksida]

Our little fella will be 2 next month (on Loy Krathong day), I'd like to think he's getting the best of both cultures, at that age their minds are just sponges anyway.

He doesnt leave our sight, its tough to put an age on when you can let them go off on their own, environment and surroundings have a big impact too.

The biggest thing I find here is that other people all want to make a fuss and look after him temporarily which gives mum and dad a few minutes rest. In the west the attitude is the other way round ... "piss off with yer noisy brats".

I agree with Terry though, they still need discipline and I dont want to let him get away with murder as a lot of the Thai kids do.
_________________
Named must your fear be before banish it you can.

[Big Boy]

Dawn,

You have to remember, none of us are taught how to be parents. Its something that comes naturally - more naturally to some than others of course. You really have to go with your own instincts. Don't worry too much about what others are doing - did your mother bring you up as a clone of the girl next door?

Yes watch what other parents do with their kids, and try to pick up any points that you think would be good. In my opinion (from the families I actually know - which may or may not be representative) Thais are often a little too relaxed with kids of a younger age than I would be, but at the same time, I am always impressed at how much younger Thai kids tend to take on a more mature attitude.

Parenting aint easy, and I don't beleive there's any perfect solution - you just go ahead and do the best you can (as I'm sure you will be). When he gets a little older, I'm he'll share his likes and dislikes with you.

Its not going to last forever, so enjoy it while you can - do it your way, and reap the rewards of a son who loves you.
_________________
Green Army position 10 2007/08
Who said, "I've dumped PAFC for Eutopia at Liecester?"
Ian Holloway (job seeker extrordanair)

[Jaime]

Basically I agree with Terry, Buksida & Big Boy (sorry Pete!) but then as Pete says, Mrs Jaime & I are raising Thai/Look Kreung kids here in the UK.

However, whilst Pete's advice may be to do as the Thai parents' do and that is probably valid up to a point, I doubt that you possess the cultural knowledge that would allow you to implement the rest of the Thai parenting experience. So, you can only go with what you know and what you feel comfortable with if Farook is to become grounded in at least one culture but with a genuine empathy for another. What I am trying to say is that if you try to be a Thai parent you will fail but if you allow yourself to do things your way then you have a much better chance of success and can rest easy in the knowledge that you did the best you could by giving your unconditional love to a little boy who needs it. There is no formula - enjoy!
_________________
"The man who never made a mistake never did bugger all" - Old Welsh proverb

"Why limit yourself to the death of a crummy celery stalk when you can eat a giraffe?" - PWEETA

[caller]

Dawn,

I might be tapping you up for some advice soon! My step son and his mum arrive here on Thursday night (UK). I haven't fretted yet and the neighbours are clued up. Its gonna be an interesting ride!

The initial plan is for mum and son to stay together, getting used to life here, finding their way around, aclimatising, till after Christmas, when son will start his schooling - all of 50 yards away!

Good luck.

Caller
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I know nothing

[caller]

I have just seen and read Jaimes post with interest as well.

More food for thought!
_________________
I know nothing

[sargeant]

Dawn just a small experience of mine

When eventually i settled with mrs sarge i happilly agreed to take on her son then aged 8.
The first 3 weeks were hell on earth he was used to staying up until godknows what time of night to play and watch TV.

whoa stop says I this ceases forthwith if you have school tommorrow you will be in bed at 8 oclock. Mrs sarge was not a happy bunny and no1 son was deeply peed of but after 3 weeks peace prevailed.

His previous school report was produced all 3s and 4s jeez you are a clever boy sayeth I, No pa says son no1s are good 4s are bad.

next school report duly arrives in no1 sons mit and he looked like a dog with 2 dicks because they were all 1s and 2s not only had he gone from bottom to top of his class but he also jumped a full class as well.
Of he went to show everybody and his dog he was a clever boy (I am surprised he didnt show it to you he showed it to everybody else in Hua Hin)
But more importantly the respect and our relationship has and still is going from strength to strength he is a great lad
Even now he is 14 he goes to bed at 9.30 if he has school the next day except for special occasions and chooses to do so by himself
I hope this little story may help you and best of luck in your parenting
_________________
A Greatfull Guest of Thailand

[Big Boy]

Going slightly off thread.......
caller wrote:

[DawnHRD]

Thanks to everyone for your replies. I found myself agreeing with all of you! Many of you think the same way I do, but Pete expressed some worries that I have. I guess my main problem, that I hadn't even worked out until I read your answers is not so much a "motherhood" concern, as a "how do I raise a Thai child without a Thai role model" concern.
I'm trying to do the best for him & for me (yes, Pete, I totally recognised myself in what you said about wanting a child who wouldn't reflect badly on him or you) I guess I just need to carry on doing my best to teach him to be a responsible, caring human being, as my parents taught me. I think everyone should learn that, regardless of their race or culture. And I should encourage him to spend lots of time with Thai friends (his & mine), so he learns the Thai way.
As many of you said, I'm a very lucky woman to have the love of this little boy & I am very thankful for that. He's a wonderful, funny, charming individual. I just want to do right by him.
BTW, Sarge - the bedtime thing? Had exactly the same problem with littl'un at the age of 2 (!?) Tantrums at bedtime like you wouldn't believe! Now he goes at 7:30 every night, sleeps right through & is good as gold. I think you & I must be "old school" as far as bedtimes are concerned...
Thanks all
_________________
"The question is not, can they reason? Nor, can they talk? But, can they suffer?" - Jeremy Bentham, philosopher, 1748-1832

Make a dog's life better, today! Find out how - go to www.headrockdogs.org