Best of British

(buffalo) Bill · Posted: Wed Oct 29, 2008 11:13 pm Post subject:

Two Aussies are sitting down for a break in their about-to-be-opened new store. As yet, the store isn't ready although the shelving is all in place. One says to the other, 'I bet any minute now some dork of a tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we're selling.'

No sooner are the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious bloke walks to the window, has a peek, and in a Kiwi accent asks, 'What're yer sellin' here?'

One of the men replies, 'We're selling arseholes here mate.'

Without missing a beat, the Kiwi says, 'Geez, you must have had a bloody good day, you've only got two left!'

(buffalo) Bill · Posted: Wed Oct 29, 2008 11:14 pm Post subject:

Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

(buffalo) Bill · Posted: Wed Oct 29, 2008 11:15 pm Post subject:

Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."

(buffalo) Bill · Posted: Wed Oct 29, 2008 11:16 pm Post subject:

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

(buffalo) Bill · Posted: Wed Oct 29, 2008 11:17 pm Post subject:

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any

(buffalo) Bill · Posted: Wed Oct 29, 2008 11:17 pm Post subject:

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

(buffalo) Bill · Posted: Wed Oct 29, 2008 11:18 pm Post subject:

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

(buffalo) Bill · Posted: Wed Oct 29, 2008 11:19 pm Post subject:

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

(buffalo) Bill · Posted: Wed Oct 29, 2008 11:20 pm Post subject:

I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

(buffalo) Bill · Posted: Wed Oct 29, 2008 11:21 pm Post subject:

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

(buffalo) Bill · Posted: Wed Oct 29, 2008 11:22 pm Post subject:

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

(buffalo) Bill · Posted: Wed Oct 29, 2008 11:22 pm Post subject:

Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

(buffalo) Bill · Posted: Wed Oct 29, 2008 11:23 pm Post subject:

'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home' "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.
'Is it common?' "It's not unusual."

(buffalo) Bill · Posted: Wed Oct 29, 2008 11:24 pm Post subject:

A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "Why? Because he's cross-eyed? "
"No, because he's really heavy"

(buffalo) Bill · Posted: Wed Oct 29, 2008 11:24 pm Post subject:

Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start."