Best of British

JD · Posted: Sat Sep 17, 2005 9:21 am Post subject:

Two old ladies, one somewhat hard of hearing, decided to have their portraits taken. The photographer welcomed them to his studio and said, "Please take a seat ladies."

The first lady asked her friend, "What did he say?"

"He would like us to sit down." replied the second lady.

Then the photographer asked, "Can you please sit closer so I can focus the camera?"

"What did he say?" asked the first.

"He's going to focus." replied her friend.

"What, both of us?
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linktolinh · Specialist Joined: 13 Aug 2005 Posts: 136 Location: Hanoi

A Britishs couple go to a 9 holes golf course in Pattaya to train. He could not even make a swing until hole 7th. A beautiful powerful swing bring the ball fly up and hit a windown of a house across the str. Slam, the windown broken down...

Decide to pay a sorry to the house hold. They approach the house and ring the bell but noone answer, the door is open so they got in.

A deep voice suddenly raise loud from every conners of the house:

- Thank you guy, I'm the genius in the bottle for 2000years and you two has released me by a nice hit!!! To say thanks I'll give you 3 wishes and I only have 1 wish for myself.

Can not believe in their luck, the couple quickly go through 3 wishes of: A lot of money in Swiss bank, husband become the world champion golf player and the wife want to be forever young and beauty.

The genius only has 1 wish: I have been in the botle for too long without women so I want to have 2 hours with your wife. After we deal, all of your wishes will come true.

Nothing to lose, they 3 go straight to the agremment.

The wife follow genius voice to a room and she finds out that he is actually young and handsome. They have 2 fantastic hours, yep 2000 years in a botle, she can understand!!!

When saying goodbye the genius ask her:

- How old are you two?

- 37 and 42

- 37 and 42! and you still believe in the story of a genius in a botle???
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I'm adorable crazy ! :-)

JD · Posted: Sat Sep 17, 2005 3:20 pm Post subject:

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a golf club wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.

"We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.

I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball ... stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake."

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey honey, this looks like yours!'"
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Per Angusta In Augusta.
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JW · Ace Joined: 11 Sep 2005 Posts: 1567 Location: hua hin

Thanks for the entertainment thia 'avo. Its boring in the office, but have been laughing my ass off. just finished second page. plenty left. Keep 'em coming!

JD · Posted: Sat Sep 17, 2005 5:16 pm Post subject:

A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy and bring him back to their camp to meet the chief. The chief says to the cowboy, "You going to die. But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three days. On sundown of third day, you die. What is first wish?"

The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse." The Indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the back. The horse takes off. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians look at each other, figuring, "Typical white man - can only think of one thing."

The second day, the chief says, "What your wish today?" The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horse's ear, then slaps it on the back. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes in the teepee with the cowboy.

The Indians shake their heads, figuring, "Typical white man - going to die tomorrow and can only think of one thing."

The last day comes, and the chief says, "This your last wish, white man. What you want?" The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again."

The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, "Read my lips! POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!"
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Per Angusta In Augusta.
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SugarCane · Amateur Joined: 12 Sep 2005 Posts: 34

A Texan, while visiting Toronto, found himself in the back seat of a taxi cab on the way to his hotel. Passing by the Royal York the Texan asked the cab driver "What's that building there?" "That's the Royal York Hotel" replied the cabbie. "The Royal York? How long did it take to build that?" asked the Texan. "About 12 years" replied the cabbie.

"12 years? We build 'em twice as high, twice as wide and four times as long down in Texas, and we do that in six months."

A while later the cab driver makes his was past the Metro-Toronto Convention Centre. "What's that building over there?" asked the Texan. "That's the Metro-Toronto Convention Centre" replied the cabbie. "Convention Centre? How long'd it take to build that?" asked the Texan. "About three years" replied the cabbie. "Three years? We build 'em twice as high, three times as long and four times as wide as that down in Texas, and it only takes us about two weeks."

Shortly thereafter the cabbie drives past the CN Tower. "What's that building there?" asks the Texan, pointing at the tower. "Danged if I know" replied the cabbie, "It wasn't here when I drove by yesterday."
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Well stocked fridge. Good music, pool, cable and UBC TV. Water features, fish, no hassles no chocolate starfishes.

linktolinh · Specialist Joined: 13 Aug 2005 Posts: 136 Location: Hanoi

Vova and Natasa are good friend, they always walk to school together. 1 morning on their way Vova see a pile of shit, he tells Natasa: I have 1$ here and I will give you if you can eat this all.

Natasa bend down and finnish the whole thing. Vova gives her 1$, Natasa turns to be so happy

500m later they see another one, Natasa tell Vova: Hey you eat this one and I will give you 1$

Why not! Vova take it all as there is a piece of cake. He gets 1$

Vova is very happy, he say to Natasa: See, we don't need to spend even 1$ and both of us had breakfast now! Wink

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I'm adorable crazy ! :-)

linktolinh · Specialist Joined: 13 Aug 2005 Posts: 136 Location: Hanoi

Vova and his class have a picnic to the farm. When they are walking through the field Vova see a glove on the grass, he take it and hurry run to the cows:

Hello... is there anyone of you lost your bra?
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I'm adorable crazy ! :-)

linktolinh · Specialist Joined: 13 Aug 2005 Posts: 136 Location: Hanoi

Vova and his parent live in a small apartment with only 1 room, in Sunday Vova have a school break and his parent have a day off. Sometime his parent want to " have some fun" but Vova is always there, how should they do. They ask Vova go to the Balcony and count how many red car pass by within 20 minutes.

1 ...5..8... Vova start counting

After 5 minutes his dad asks: How's going out there?

Vova answers: Oh there are 17 red cars passed by and btw Natasa's parent are making luve...

How can you know that?

Because she is counting car on her balcony too...

Shocked

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I'm adorable crazy ! :-)

JD · Posted: Mon Sep 19, 2005 6:19 pm Post subject:

A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, "How much?"

Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job."

Guy says, "$500 dollars! For a hand-job? No hand-job is worth that kind of money!"

The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?"

"Yes."

"Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?"

"Yes."

"And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?"

"Yes."

"Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those. And, I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500."

Guy says, "What the hell? I'll give it a try."

They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow job is $1,000?"

The hooker replies, "$1,500."

"$1,500? No blow job could be worth that".

The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow job that's worth every cent of $1,500."

The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, says, "Sign me up."

Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can' t believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker, "How much for some pussy?"

The hooker says, "Come over here to the window. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and showplaces?"

"Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?

"No," the hooker replies, "but I would if I had a pussy!"
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dr dave soul monsta · Posted: Wed Sep 21, 2005 4:51 pm Post subject:

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of quid for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten pound note and asked,

"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of food?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get just to stay alive."

"Will you spend it on a ticket for the match instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS?" replied the homeless man. "I haven't watched football in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.

"What sort of woman would I get for ten quid?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money.
Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay.
I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up beer, gambling, football, and sex." !!
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chelsea · Posted: Wed Sep 21, 2005 5:18 pm Post subject:

A man had a "Standing Room Only" ticket for the Cup Final and notices a vacant seat in an aisle not far off.
He approaches the aisle and asks the gent sitting next to the vacant seat if anyone was sitting there.
"No" he says, " the seat is empty!"

"This is incredible" said the man."Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the final and not use it!"
The seated man replies "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to accompany me but she passed away.
This will be the first final we have'nt been to together since we were married."

"Oh....I'm so sorry to hear that. That's terrible, but could'nt you find a friend or relative, even a neighbour to come with you and take the seat?"
"Nah" say's the man , shaking his head, " They're all at the funeral"
Cheers

JD

WHICH WOULD U CHOOSE? CAKE OR BED?????

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,

“HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW”

HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY;

“FIX THE LIGHT, NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE AN ELECTRICIANS LOGO PRINTED ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!”

THE WIFE ASKS,

“WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT.”

TO WHICH HE REPLIED,

“FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE HOTPOINT WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO.”

FINE, SHE SAYS,

“THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR?” THEY'RE ABOUT TO BREAK.”

“I'M NOT A DAMN CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX THE STEPS”, HE SAYS. “DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WOODIES DIY WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO. I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU. I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!! “

SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS. HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME AND HELP OUT. AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED. AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING. AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.

“HONEY”, HE ASKS, “HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?”

SHE SAID,

“WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED.JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM. HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.”

HE SAID,

“SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE HIM?”

SHE REPLIED,

“HELLOOOOO.......DO YOU SEE DELIA SMITH WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!”
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Per Angusta In Augusta.
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www.hamandbacon.co.th

linktolinh · Specialist Joined: 13 Aug 2005 Posts: 136 Location: Hanoi

A VNese man took a training course in Swizeland for a month, everybody warned him that SZ is a very expensive country specially with " having fun service" so he better watch his pocket. One day he found out that he doesn't need to go with a prositute for sex but there were some " release machines" in the campus.

He went there and studied carefully the 2 machines stand next together,

On the first green one read:
Pencil sharpen : 40cent - Put your pencil in here

The second charming red one read:

Pleasure service - safe sex: 3 EUR - Put your other pen in here

Thinking for a while he told himself: with my Vietnamese size I should go for the Pencil one, save my money and it's fit me well.

Put 40cent and his stuff into the machine. After 5 minutes he had the sharpest p**is in the world!!!

Mr. Green

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I'm adorable crazy ! :-)

Guess · Posted: Sat Sep 24, 2005 2:10 am Post subject:

That remind me about when I was in the French Foreign Legion in Algeria in El Golea just North of the Sahara Desert.

I was absolutely gagging for a shag after leaving Marseille three months before and not seen a women since. I asked some colleagues, "what do I do if I want sex?".

Pierre told that the men usually use thye camel that was available to us.

I thought that was far too disgusting for me and forgot about it for a few days.

Eventually the urge got too strong and I went out during the cover of darkness and gave the camel a really good *****. Just as I was about to ejaculate Pierre came out, after hearing all the noise, and asked me what the **** was I doing.

I told him that I was taking his advice. He told me "don't be such a stupid bastard, you ride the camel into the local village and **** a prosistute."
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